(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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Cynical Definitions

n. One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence thereafter.

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n. An elected official who makes laws for the primary purpose of campaigning against in the next election.

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n. Profession held by intellectual prostitutes.

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n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which organized society is erected.

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Cynical Quotations

Probably the most distinctive characteristic of the successful politician is selective cowardice.

— Richard Harris

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Politicians and diapers both need to be changed often, and for the same reason.

— Bumper Sticker

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Is a politician boinking a prostitute redundant, or a quid pro quo?

— Guy Smith

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It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

— Erma Bombeck

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Aristotle believed that the brain existed merely to cool blood and was not involved in with thinking, which has proven true for certain persons, mainly politicians.

— Derived from Will Cuppy

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What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

— Edward Langley

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The only time two men should ever be in bed together is if one is a lobbyist and one is a politician.

— Jay Leno

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Today, wanting someone else's money is called "need", wanting to keep your own money is called "greed", and "compassion" is when politicians arrange the transfer.

— Joseph Sobran

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My concerns with churches meddling in political affairs have nothing to do with faith based morality rubbing off on politicians. The concern is that the Churches will find themselves adopting the relative morality associated with politics.

— Kenneth Corbin

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I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.

— Winston Churchill

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Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

— Doug Larson

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It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember.

— Eugene McCarthy

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An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought.

— Simon Cameron

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Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.

— Bob Edwards

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Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

— Nikita Khrushchev

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The reason there are so few female politicians is that it is too much trouble to put makeup on two faces.

— Maureen Murphy

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Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.

— Henry Kissinger

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When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.

— Edward R. Murrow

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I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

— Charles De Gaulle

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A recent survey was said to prove that the people we Americans most admire are our politicians and doctors. I don't believe it. They are simply the people we are most afraid of. And with the most reason.

— Unknown

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Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then – we elected them.

— Lily Tomlin

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A politician under oath is a bit like a tumor under chemotherapy.

— William Ferraiolo

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An honest politician appears on the scene as often as a celibate whore.

— William Ferraiolo

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